NIght before open heart surgery - April '07

Preface - this e-mail is really a ramble about my heart on the night before surgery.  So if you're in a hurry, save it for later!  :)
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Hi - I don't really have anything to say, but it's late and we leave for Portland tomorrow and I wanted to touch base with all of you who have become so important to me.  Your interest in our life gives me daily encouragement and joy.  Your patience with, and for many of you it's even enjoyment of, my e-mails, is a gift.  For me, it is cathartic to write.  It helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings and what I really believe.  It always points me to God when I wind my way through our life story and find Him at the center of every good gift.

Today the boys and I spent some time reading John 3:16.  We talked about how much God loves us.  Then tonight we talked about where we saw God's love for us today.  Titus saw God's love in the bunny at the pet store.  Josiah saw God's love in the snuggle/hug with me on the couch.  Jeff saw God's love in his ability to work and the people he works with.  I saw God's love in the clear night sky with the bright half moon.

Where do you see God's love today?  He loved you so much he sent His Son (John 3:16).  All of creation is His gift to you, his precious child. He loves to see you enjoy His  good gifts.  So whether it's a friend, or a flower, a hug, or a soft spring breeze - take note of God's great love for you today.  If you're watching for it, you can't miss it!

I want to tell you one story - so I guess I do have something to say!  :)  (I always have SOMETHING to say, it's just a matter of whether it's worth reading or not!)  It's about a picture that I have in my mind - and I want to share it with you.

A couple weeks ago when the news of surgery was new and my heart was quite raw, I was crying one day in the shower (it's the only private place for a mom of 3 to cry!!)  My emotions refused to be held back any longer and I allowed myself to FEEL - and not just "keep it all together."  I prayerfully allowed my mind to go to all the places I feared - having Abby taken away from me to surgery, having her little body cooled for heart bypass, the surgery itself, getting her back with tubes and tape and a big wound, being in the hospital for recovery, coming home with her. . . and as I stood there and cried and prayed, God superimposed himself on my pictures.  He carried her as they took her away from me, he held her as the put her on bypass and did the surgery, He held her as they closed up her chest and warmed her body back up.  He never left her or took his hands off her for even a second.  He was with her.  His word to me that day was clear, He would be with her every step of the way.  The image I have in my head now is of the operating table - but superimposed on the image are the huge arms of God reaching down to hold my baby girl - and it's not really the table at all that supports her weight, she is cradled in the arms of God.

Many of you have asked how I am really doing.  I appreciate your caring inquiries.  The honest answer is that I would be a nervous wreck but for the grace of God.  At church lately we've been singing a song that says "your grace is enough" (Chris Tomlin) and I find it to be a rock solid truth that God is enough.  For weeks now He has been carrying me.  I'm o.k. because God is good.  That's all there is to it.

Thank you for your prayers for us this week.  It is a gift to me to know that so many of you are lifting us and Abby up to God.  Jeff shared a quote the other day that I thought was great.  I don't have it right in front of me, but it was something like, "Prayer is not convincing God to do something He is reluctant to do, it is agreeing with Him to do that which He delights to do."  I believe God is delighting in being enough for us this week - and beyond.  May my eyes and heart look to Him each time I falter, every time I fear.  And that is my prayer for you, may your eyes and heart look to God each time you falter, every time you fear. Amen.

Well, that's pretty good rambling for a girl who sat down with nothing to say.

Love to all of you - Jen  :)