About 8 years ago Jeff announced that he would like to spend the next 10 years of his life praying for the city of Salem. Now, besides revealing the fact that I married a phenomenal man, this little statement has made a big impact on our lives. At the time, we were living in Keizer in a nice, semi-quiet, neighborhood. Our neighbors were wonderful. Our house was beautiful and spacious. Our yard had trees, a nice lawn, and even a hot tub.
Then my wonderful husband began prayer walking in downtown Salem. He would go down, park somewhere near the state capitol, and walk around, praying. He would come home excited about what God wanted to do, and talking about a 24/7 house of prayer somewhere in downtown. That talk transitioned into talk about specific houses, on specific streets. That talk became talk about what would it look like for our family to live in downtown Salem.
Enter fear.
See, I grew up in Salem, and some of the specific houses on specific streets were close to places where gang shootings had happened when I was a child. Funny thing about violence, we file it in our memory under the "never live close to that place" category. So when Jeff, (remember he is wonderful and don't hold this against him), began talking about moving our family with a baby boy into downtown Salem, my anxiety level began to go through the roof. Like, I could be just washing dishes, gazing out the window at my lovely yard, and the next thing you know I've got myself mentally in Downtown Salem, kids on the street, sirens in the background, breaking a cold sweat. What is a person to do with this kind of, "Something bad might happen someday if we go through with what we might be thinking about doing," kind of fear? It's a nebulous nothing, really. I don't know what God is calling us to do. I don't know what we're going to do. I don't know how we're going to know what God is calling us to do. And what if God tells Jeff something that scares me spitless?!!
The thing about fear, as one of the enemies greatest tactics, is that it creates problems where none exist. The presence of fear is often worse than the thing we fear. So, what do we do with fear? God gave me a prayer, back in the Keizer days, that was truly a gift from heaven. One day at the kitchen sink, He and I had a conversation that went something like this:
"O God, I don't know if I can live in downtown Salem. I have a baby boy and I'm scared about what he might learn at school, or what might happen to him when he's playing, or someone driving by our house at night and shooting out our windows."
"Jennifer, are you o.k. right now?"
"Yes."
"Have I called you to move anywhere yet?"
"No."
"Then there is nothing to fear today. You're fine. In this place. I'm not asking any more of you than to be where you are today."
"Oh."
And out of that conversation was born this prayer, "Lord, when you call us, please make me ready and willing." For over three years I prayed that prayer. Whenever anxiety reared it's ugly head, I would stop where I was and think to myself, "Am I o.k. today? Has God called us anywhere else? Right then, Lord, when you call us, please make me ready and willing." And I found the peace that passes understanding (phil. 4:something or other) to fill my soul on a daily basis. I was no longer a slave to the fear of the "what ifs" and, when the time came, I was supernaturally ready and willing to go where God called us. And it's been an amazing journey - one I would never trade - from Downtown Salem. Where we have heard lots of sirens, made friends with and prayed for the homeless people who walk by regularly, never had anything stolen off our front porch, and never had anyone shoot out our windows.
What fears could you turn over to God with a prayer along the lines of, "God, if my what ifs ever come true, please prepare my heart for what you will ask of me?"
No comments:
Post a Comment