God loves me. Period.

Hi all - I just returned from a fantastic trip with Jeff to Redding, CA. We were attending a conference at Risen King Alliance Church - it was great!! We connected with some friends, new and old, and have a lot of spiritual thoughts to chew on for awhile. We were encouraged, refreshed, ministered to - and we encouraged and ministered to others as well. It was great.

During one of the ministry times (prayer/worship after the speaking times) God spoke a truth to me that has huge ramifications for me. It was largely related to the journey I've been on, and continuing to ask the Holy Spirit to bring to light the lies in my life. I've been struggling with this idea of love - that I know God loves me in my head, but somehow I don't really KNOW He loves me, with my heart. I want the approval of others, because I somehow want to prove that I'm good enough for love.

In this place of worship and prayer, enjoying the presence of God and being still, a thought came to me. "As a child, I came to a God who loves me when I'm good. He wants me to know Him as the God who loves me. Period."

See, I learned early in life that while people say, "I love you," their actions speak louder than words. When I saw relationships disintegrate over disagreement, different values, different opinions or old grudges, I learned an unspoken rule. "Love can be severed if I am displeased with you." I internalized a lie that says, "love" is a nice word, but is completely powerless in the face of bitterness and offense. So you can see why I became very good at never causing bitterness or offense in others. It became my subconscious life goal to make everyone happy and to never do anything that would upset anyone because it could break relationships.

That's a lot of pressure when you're six. And it will make you just plain crazy when you're 37. What I learned this week is that I took this unspoken, subconscious rule and applied it to God. So, I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was in Kindergarten, and I believed He loved me and forgave me. I knew I was going to heaven. I had eternal life insurance. But subconciously I lived the lie of, "But if I don't please God, He won't really love me."

So I've spent my entire life trying to be "enough" for the sake of being loved by God. It didn't help that several of the kids Bible songs say things like, "Jesus loves me when I'm good, when I do the things I should. . ." It didn't help that one of the ways I was taught to obey was that God could see everything and He was watching when I was bad. Kind of like, "He knows if you've been naughty or nice." It's petrifying to live with a God you desperately want to please, but who can see everything you think or do and who will be displeased with you if you don't do it perfectly!

I'll take the God who sees everything I think and do, knows what I'll think and do in the future, understands my weaknesses - and chose to die for me knowing full well that I would never measure up to His standards of pleasure. He is pleased with me because I'm under the blood of His Son - NOT because I finally got it all right!

I came to a God who loves me when I'm good. I want to know Him as my God who loves me. Period.