True Love

Jeff and I were reminiscing the other night. Snuggled on our new love-seat in our newly painted cottage, we were talking about our dating days. Actually, I should restate that more honestly: I was talking, he was listening. I don't know what got me started, but I was recounting several pieces of the puzzle that led to us knowing it would be good and right for us to get married.

In its entirety, that story is much too long to blog. Trust me. And those of you who know the story, or have heard the story, will breathe a sigh of relief when I say I'm not going to tell the whole story. However, as we talked that night on the couch, Jeff told me a tiny piece of his side of the story that I had never heard. And that tiny piece has made a huge impact on my heart.

My run-in with sappy - "He looked at her across the crowded room and knew she was the one God had for him" - happily every after has inspired me to write this post about my story, and give a glimpse of true love to any readers who happen to tune in to this episode. :)

Back in my college days, I worked my summers painting houses. Dad, who was a general contractor at the time, hooked me up with jobs, and I single-handedly cleaned, scraped, sanded, primed and painted several houses over the course of three summers. One job in the summer of 1994 was a fair sized one-story house of some friends from church. They took a long vacation with their kids, and invited me to house-sit while I painted the exterior of their home. It was a nice job - a little lonely - but nice. Just me and the cats, who puked, and bit me, and made me sneeze.

By summer of '94 Jeff and I had known each other for 3 1/2 years. He, having been interested in my beautiful self since the moment he saw a picture of me, had already weathered 3 1/2 years of watching me grow up while he quietly pursued me. He had endured my freshman year boyfriend, had hung out for endless hours with my group of friends, and continued to be involved with leadership in the college and career group at Salem Alliance. Our paths had crossed, both intentionally and not, for over three years. Though we had never had an official "define the relationship" moment, we were growing closer. After countless notes, letters, conversations, social events and late nights with friends, it appeared as if we were finally on a collision course to actually dating each other. He was interested in me. I was interested in him. It seemed all that was left to write were the history books.

It was during that lonely paint job that something began to gnaw at my spirit. I ignored it for several days, but one night as I crawled into my borrowed bed, I prayed, "Lord, what are you trying to say to me? I'm listening." As I lay in bed and tried to sort through the various aspects of my life, a sense of knowing grew stronger and louder than all the other thoughts, "Jennifer, you are not to date Jeff Roth."

WHAT?!! After three and a half years, after all of our conversations and time and friendship? When I'm just beginning to make sense of my feelings for him? When we both want the same thing? When he's a good Christian and committed to following God? WHAT?!!

For two days I wrestled with God. As I lugged my paint pail up and down the ladder. As I tied back rhododendrons and crawled behind them to sit with the spiders. As I moved the ladder. As I stopped for a cool drink. All the time thinking about Jeff and God, and God's will, and my finite brain, and was I even hearing God or just making all this up?!! I even fasted for a day - which was, and still is, unusual for me. I agonized over releasing something I did not want to release, but which I increasingly felt to be God's guidance. I so longed for God's guidance. I wanted to live whole-heartedly for Him. I desperately did not want to marry the wrong man and forever yoke myself to someone who was not God's pick for me. But to let go of Jeff, just when we were on the precipice of something good? It seemed unreasonable and irrational. It was hard.

I remember well the night I sat on the couch in front of the dark, silent TV and relinquished my desires to God. I submitted to His guidance and agreed with him that I would not date Jeff Roth. I truly thought it was a forever decision. I did not understand it all, but I knew I had to obey God. In prayer, I committed to God that I would say "no" to Jeff. As I did, two things happened. The first was a deep sense of peace. I somehow knew that I had listened well and that this was the right decision. The second shocked me.

I realized, to my shame, that the grief I was feeling over this loss was not so much about Jeff and who he was, as it was about a relationship in general. You see, for 3 1/2 years I had known that I had a man in my back pocket. I knew Jeff was interested in me, and should I choose, I knew I could have a boyfriend. I had been living and enjoying life, never realizing that this idea of having a man perpetually interested in me - even when it appeared I was stringing him along - was a huge security. At 22, and nearly done with college, it gave me great comfort to subconsciously know that I didn't have to be alone if I didn't want to. So when God stripped away Jeff, He actually was stripping away my security in anything other than Himself. And in that moment, I realized that it truly wasn't about Jeff - not his character or his personality - it was about me.

Well, it took two years for me to sort things out and mature to the point that God could trust me with the treasure of His son, Jeff Roth. Two years where Jeff worked hard to get over me, and I worked hard to forget about him. Two long years. And then the heavens opened and I sensed God was giving me permission to pursue Jeff. The tables were turned, the roles reversed, and it didn't take me long to communicate my renewed interest. It took Jeff awhile to wrap his brain around a two year "no" and to sort out this huge reversal, but in October of 1996, after knowing each other for 5 1/2 years, we went on our first date.

The rest truly is history. We've been married 11 wonderful years and look forward to many, many more. This post draws to a close, though I have yet to tell you the small interjection Jeff made into my rambling remembrances that night on the love seat. See, as we were talking he said, "I remember when you were housesitting. Have I ever told you what happened to me?" It seems he was driving across town with a note and a gift for me - coming to my lonely paint job to just say "Hi" and hang out with me. As he drove, he sensed the Lord saying, "No, don't go see Jennifer." So he turned his little red car around and went home with his note and his gift. A decision that was followed by pain, loss, confusion, and two years of getting over a woman he would rather be getting to know.

True love is not warm gushy feelings and kisses that melt you and buckle your knees. True love is giving the woman you long for the space she needs to grow up, mature, and be worthy of your love. True love is laying down your life for a friend.