A couple weeks ago I had a rough week. I was really wrestling with my thoughts and actions - feeling like perhaps I was slipping back into old ways of thinking - but not sure how to break out of it. By Saturday night I was an internal wreck. Externally I probably looked reasonably put together. If you had seen me, you may not have immediately thought, "Wow, what's wrong with Jennifer?" (unless you're Kara Brown, who sees through me like nobody's business. Kara knows when I'm struggling even before I do sometimes!!) But in my heart, mind and spirit I was all tied up in knots.
I went to church, but didn't feel like going to my class, so I just hung out in the halls. I was sitting on some comfy couches, kids in their classes, pretending to read a book but really wrestling with my thoughts when an incredible young lady walked by. We'll just call her Divine because I'm pretty sure it was a Divine Appointment - one of those times when God puts just the right person at just the right place at just the right time!
Young Divine and I shot the breeze for a couple minutes and then she looks straight at me and says, "But how are you?" in such a way that I have no choice but to say, "Crappy." She gives me the inquisitive raised eyebrow and I elaborate - "I've had a hard week and I'm struggling with some of my actions and whether I'm hearing from God." She basically gave me this look that said, "Duh" and asked "You? Why are you even doubting that you are hearing God's voice?" I took it all in - her comment and her facial expressions - and the clouds began to lift. Divine sat with me for 5 minutes, listened to my mental arguments and basically said, "That's a spirit of accusation, it's not of God, and it's a lie from the Devil." I knew she was right - and as quick as that I was feeling fine again.
All week I had been wrestling, and all week it was simply failing to recognize the condemnation of the enemy and confusing it for true conviction. I thought God was telling me to do something I didn't want to do, and I was in disobedience. But I was also confused about if God was telling me to do this certain thing, or if I was making it all up. But if I didn't do it because it was my will, then that's bad. But if I didn't do it because God wasn't telling me to, then that's good. If you're confused by this paragraph, then you have a tiny taste of what my life is like when I start spinning in spiritual circles.
What cut through the deception and cloud of condemnation was a divine appointment with a young lady who was seeing things clearly. Funny thing is, she wasn't where she was supposed to be either that night. She had a sense God told her to leave the church service, so she was hanging out in her dad's office, just waiting for our appointment. :) She listened to me, cut through the crap, and spoke truth to me. It changed everything.
The next day I realized that God has truly orchestrated a summer of rest for me. Rest from daily time commitments, rest from speaking engagements, rest from the grind of up early for school, and most of all, emotional rest from all of my striving. I sense a period of blissful rest - just being - not trying to figure anything out or further my journey of recent months - just rest. I don't have to DO anything - and for that I am eternally grateful.
Enjoy your summer - and if you happen to meet any confused friends sitting in unusual places at unusual times, perhaps you are "Divine" - God's vessel to listen, cut through the crap, and speak truth. Don't laugh, it just could be you - pay attention, He's creating opportunities all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment