Running Again - Conclusion

And now it's time for a true confession. This confession comes harder to me than most. I was so sure that it would be different this time. . . but I think I need to start at the beginning.

Back in April when I was first starting my "fast" I had dinner with a good friend. We were talking about life and I was telling her about what God was leading me to do. She knew of the earlier part of the journey - when I discovered I didn't know how to rest, and God promised me, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." She knew that I had been enveloped in God's love, not because I was worthy, but because He loves me. Period. But this whole fasting idea was new and we had a long conversation about it.

As we were wrapping up, she said, "How are you going to keep from just going back to your bad habits when your fast is over." I answered that I honestly didn't know. That it was definitely a pattern for me to try hard for awhile and then fail. However, I also had a sense that since God was leading me from a different direction this time, perhaps it might have a different outcome. Perhaps I could see true and lasting change if I truly grasped how much God loves me and what it means to rest in Him, abide in Him, daily.

Oh, this is such a long story and I'm struggling to know how to sum it up in a blog post. How does a person delve into the deep parts of the heart on a computer screen? Should a blogger even try? Forgive me if this is more than you bargained for - feel free to skip this one and come back for the next post about the corn maze or my cute kids. But for you who want to hang in there and here this running story to the conclusion, you may have to wade through some of the meandering ways of my mind and heart. :)

So I ended my fast in May, and life was at such a high point. My heart was at peace with God, my family and myself. I was truly filled with joy. Life felt productive, restful, good. And then summer hit. I tried to hold on for awhile, and truly, even in June there were many good days. But the true confession is that in many ways I feel like I'm right back where I started. Case in point, I'm typing on my computer at 11:24pm when I have to be up at 5:45 in the morning. I check facebook numerous times a day. I read other blogs incessantly, checking multiple times a day to see if there is something new to read. I waste time while my house is a mess, the checkbook needs to be balanced, and my kids are growing up under my nose - a day older every day - and I'm missing it from behind the computer screen.

I'm back with the apostle Paul, not doing what I want to do, and doing what I don't want to do. And I feel stuck, like perhaps my good friend was more right than I was - that maybe we always revert to our old habits. Or at least I don't know how to ever go about change without my soul all tied up in knots of wondering whether I'm doing it right or not.

And though I feel stuck in so many areas, the fact remains that I'm running. Three times a week, adding miles every now and then, racing for the first time in 15 years. . . .I'm running.

And that's the amazing, hope-giving, truth. And here's the point of the whole 3-blog-post story: I had given up hope of ever running again, and yet I run. So when I'm tempted to despair that there will never be any lasting change in other areas I'm stuck, I have this three-day-a-week new habit that laughs in the face of despair and says, "If I can do it, you can do it."

If God can make the lifestyle changes in me necessary to allow this body to run again, when I had been stuck for so long in bad habits and season of life hindrances, then God is not powerless against my other bad life-practices. Yes, I have regressed, but no, all is not lost.

So, I guess this post is both a confession and a celebration. My confession is that I'm not doing so great in all my pre-posted thriving, and my celebration is that it's not all lost, there are good things that have come out of that season and stuck.

And for that I'm grateful. And I run. Because I can. Because God answered the prayer of my heart.

The prayer I breathed this morning? "God, I'm done living my way. I want your way."