Just to paint the picture so you know what I'm talking about: In our home we have 18 rooms/spaces. A living room, 3 bedrooms, my worship room, the kitchen, pantry, mudroom, entryway, sunflower room, kitchenette, two bathrooms and a few places in the basement - not to mention closets and the yard. Of those 18 rooms/spaces, I am pleased with the state of 5 of them - my bedroom, my worship room, the laundry room, Jeff's study (because it's not my responsibility) and the yard (because I don't care about yardwork). Every other space has something that bugs me: hot spots for clutter, ongoing cleaning projects, needed repair, kids' messes that need my help to clean up. . . Some days are great - I zip through the house and clean up the surface clutter, closing all the stuff I don't know what to do with in closets and cupboard. If you were to come over on one of those days, and not look too closely at the cobwebs on the ceiling, the corners of my bathrooms, or the sun streaming through the windows (this is why I only have friends over after dark) you might think I'm a good housekeeper. I feel like a success. But on other days, when we've been running to practices and church and games and life - and only home long enough to drop stuff, grab stuff and run off again - life becomes overwhelming and I feel like all the boxes are going to come crashing down. It ends up looking a bit like a "binge and purge" diet for me. I let everything pile up until I think I'm going crazy, and then I clean like a mad-woman to get it all back together. And the trouble is, I can never get it completely clean before it starts to get messed up again.
This way of living isn't working for me. Don't even get me started on food. Suffice it to say that daily at 4:00 pm you are as likely to find me in an emotional heap on my kitchen floor as to find me standing by my stove, happily preparing a family meal. I may not be physically on the floor, but trust me, my heart is often sinking to the floor as I wrestle with not only the question of what to make for dinner that night, but also the shame-induced question of why I can't get my act together and take care of meals for my family.
That has been the status quo - with seasons that improve, only to deteriorate again.
So this weekend I was at the beach with a small group of women, including my life coach Barb Burge, and we were reading, journaling, discussing and praying together about the topic of a mission statement for life and work. We worked through a book together, answering thought-provoking questions and doing some serious soul searching. It was in one series of questions that I had my epiphany.
The author of the book asked us to consider, and write down, what life would be like - if we just maintained our "status quo" - in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years and 20 years. My answer for 3 years was basically that I would still be pleased with my running, nutrition and immediate family relationships, but that I would also still be frustrated with my inability to get the clutter and mess of my house in order, and still overwhelmed by the task of feeding my family nutritious meals on a regular basis. In other words, still stuck in wishful thinking and good intentions, but not any long-term positive changes. 5 and 10 years seemed very similar to that, with only increasing stress as the kids get older, are involved in more sports (creating more dirty laundry), collect more school projects (we are buried in stuff because I can't get rid of kindergarten drawings), and require more meals to nourish their growing bodies.
The writing was on the wall, so to speak.
And then I got to the part about 20 years from now. I began to imagine it. Josiah will be 29, Titus 27 and Abby 24. In all likelihood Jeff and I will live alone in our home. I will be cooking for 2, not 5. No children will be messing up what I have just cleaned. I will probably do three loads of laundry instead of 45 each week, and there will be a 60% reduction in the amount of dishes I do. My house, in all probability, will be how I've always wanted it to be - clean and peaceful. . . and it will be empty.
And it was at that moment that tears began to burn my eyes and my heart began to ache in my throat as I realized that if nothing changes in the way I deal with meals and housework, I would be so very, very sorry that I had spent all those years of opportunity stressed about everyday life. I tasted the bitter edge of regret as I pictured what life would be like in 20 years if all I did was maintain my status quo. My binge and purge.
I don't know exactly how to get from point A to point B. I've tried so many ways in the past, and always seem to land back in the same spot - overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't have the plan for HOW to change, but I have a new resolve in my spirit to change. I know it will be hard work. I know I will have to change not only my actions, but my fears and attitudes as well. I know I've tried before and failed. And I know one more thing: I don't want to look back 20 years from now and regret that I never made the choice to change.
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