Weakness

I seem to be in a season of life where my weaknesses are showing. Layer upon layer of weakness. Now, I have strengths, and I know I have strengths, and there are seasons of life when I am functioning in my strength and it is exhilarating. Like when we're around a campfire and someone asks for kids songs. Bingo! Strength. Or when there's a lot of people milling around and they need to get on a bus and they need a loud, observant person to say "Get on the bus now." There you have another one of my strengths - speaking loudly and telling others what to do. Seriously, there are times when it comes in very handy.

I could go on about situations where I feel confident, however, that doesn't seem to be the season I am in. I'm in a season of no official ministry, staying home with my kids, taking care of the house, cooking meals, and coaching kids' sports. Let's look at those things one at a time.

No official ministry - on one hand, this is fantastic. I love being free from meetings, leadership responsibilities, ongoing planning, and did I mention meetings?! On the other hand, it exposes a weakness: When I don't have a focused ministry, I'm finding that I flounder in where to place my attention. I have good days and bad days, but the bottom line is that being involved in leading a Bible based group gives me spiritual accountability. Without it, I'm a bit like a ship with no rudder, just wandering through the scriptures, gleaning what I come across. Give me some direction, people.

Staying home with my kids - I love this. We have fun! Weaknesses exposed on a daily basis: impatience, lack of wisdom, tiredness, pride, fear, self-centered living. . . Being a parent is the best and hardest at the same time!

Taking care of the house - I like organized spaces. None of my spaces are organized right now, except my sock drawer. I can see what I need to do, but I don't do it. Honestly, I sometimes feel like the apostle Paul when he went on and on about "What I want to do, I don't do, and what I don't want to do, I do. . . ."

Cooking meals - 4:00 is religiously my worst time of day. Kids are tired and hungry, I'm tired and hungry, the day's work isn't even close to done, and I have no idea what we're having for dinner. Meal planning is a weakness exposed. I've even had prayer for this one - which, by the way, made a significant difference in my attitude, which has improved this situation dramatically. I still, however, need to make a meal plan each week.

Coaching kids' sports - this is the kicker. If you follow me on facebook you know that I'm coaching Josiah's basketball team. Let me tell you the layers of weakness this exposes:

1. I'm competitive, and I like to win. I could say this is born out of my desire for the boys' to have success, but the naked truth is that I've always been competetive.

2. I've never played basketball. So, while I can read the coaches book and figure out a lot of stuff, I don't have any on the court "intuition."

3. I often get uncomfortable when people who know more than me on a given subject are watching me try to do it. My entire family is more experienced than I am at Basketball, so when the stands are full of people who know more than me, it exposes my insecurities.

4. To sum it up. I want to succeed. I don't know how to succeed. I am insecure about what others think of how I'm doing it. I need to redefine success!!

The bottom line is that I've been listening to a lot of negative thoughts lately. I've been pretty hard on myself. Yes, these weaknesses exist and are true. Yes, they've been at the forefront of my brain lately, but no, I'm not a complete failure. The interesting thing about weakness exposed is that I have to get past my pride. Without pride, a weakness is simply a weakness and I need to look to God, ask others for help, and get over it. No problem. But with pride in the mix, weakness is humiliating and "failure." If I allow myself to sit in pride for long, I can begin to wallow in self pity because I'm "failing" at so many things. "Woe is me, I can't coach boy's basketball, I can't get healthy meals on the table, I can't even keep my kitchen clean. OHHHH, Woe, woe, woe."

You get the drift!! :)

There's a verse that comes to mind rather often these days, 2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I guess that's why I decided to finish this post. What started as a complaint, ends as a confession. My weaknesses are showing, and I look for God's power to be made perfect and rest on me.

P.S. I'm doing way better with my attitude about coaching. We've had a couple games and the boys are having a blast. I'm seeing one of my strengths rising to the surface - I don't have to know basketball to love these kids and encourage them. Besides all that, I'm starting to get a feel for basketball. We may or may not be the winningest team this year, but we're going to have a good time!