So, I'm finding this "walking in rest" thing to be very difficult. Good, but hard. Not, "I'm depressed and feeling low" kind of hard, but kind of "this is different than how I used to do it and I'm not comfortable in my own skin since God changed the rules." Actually, I shouldn't say God changed the rules. It's more accurate to say that He created an unquenchable desire for rest in my heart, and then once He had my attention, He explained it to me different. The rules are what they have always been. I, in the way I interact with the world, am not what I used to be. I don't do what I used to do. I don't like my old responses and I'm still looking for what my new responses look like.
It's this tension that feels uncomfortable to me - the knowledge that the way I've been doing life doesn't work, and yet without any solid ground under my feet yet about the new way to do life. I have ideas, but trying and learning them takes practice. I think the way to sum it up is that I find myself in the in-between place, wondering if the in-between place IS life, and not the transition from one way of doing life to another. What if the Way to do life is distinctly not formulaic? What if I'm not on the path from one place to another destination, but the path is the destination? And this question sends my mind scittering in many different directions at once.
This morning I was experiencing mind-scittering of grand proportions - which translates to rapid-fire thoughts, a general sense of anxiety, and underlying sense of question and confusion. What is the goal? Do I have to live with rigid rules like I did during my fast in order to have the sense of thriving that I've had, but is fading? How do you maintain that place of thriving? Are we meant to sustain thriving, or is life a procession of mountains and valleys - as I've been taught all my life? When Jesus said He came to give us "Life to the full," what did that mean and what does it look like? And if I sensed life to the full in April when I was being extremely rigid with myself and my activities, but I don't sense life to the full in June when I have let up on the regulations - then does the rigidity translate to "life to the full?" Or was there something else at work there? And if it is the rigidity of self-discipline, is that truly how the Lord wants me to live daily? And if so, that's hard. I don't really like it much. I'm hoping for the "easy" destination. I'm willing to do the hard work on the way, but I've been hoping that one day I'd arrive at a place where I no longer wrestle in my head and heart with myself and with God.
Now I know I'm rambling and if you followed all of that you're more than a saint, you're a spiritual intrapersonal expert. But let me sum up and get the rest of you back with us. I've been full of questions with no answers, and when it reaches a certain pitch, I have to find a way out or I'll go crazy. This morning I sensed God giving me some ways out - so I thought I would share them with you. (Yes, all of the previous paragraphs of this post were just the introduction.)
1. Quit rationalizing in my head. I have a tendency to think of what I want to do and go for it. In the back of my head/heart/soul something whispers to me that it's not the best use of my time and resources, but I rationalize my behavior with thoughts of restraint, quickness and that I don't do it all the time. I need to start treating my mind with Love and Logic like a child:
Brain "I think I'll go surf the internet."
Jen, "Feel free to surf the internet when you have all your work done for the day."
Brain, "But I'm just going to look up a certain thing and then I'll stop."
Jen, "Probably so, and you can feel free to do that when all your work is done for the day." Brain, "But you let me do it yesterday."
Jen, "Could be, and feel free to do it today when all your work is done."
Brain, (read this with a whiney child voice that escalates as you go) "That's not fair. I'm tired, I work hard, I deserve a break. I don't want to live this way with rigid regulations every day. That's just for the fasting month. Let me go read what I want to read when I want to read it."
Jen, "You might want to think about what might happen if you do that. . . "
You get the point. I think perhaps the verse in the Bible about taking every though captive could be best understood in this generation by explaining that we need to use Love and Logic against the rationalizing side of our brain. :)
2. Rehearse what I know to be true. When I get stuck in a cloud of confusion, the best way back down to earth is to return to what I know. It doesn't change the fact that there are unanswered questions in my head and heart, but it places my feet on solid ground again to rehearse the things that I already know - beyond a shadow of a doubt - are true. Things like God's goodness and love and faithfulness.
3. Replace Satan's counterfeit activities with God's good purposes for me. God is the Father of all good gifts. So Satan, who comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) takes God's good ideas, twists them, and offers us a counterfeit. The thing about counterfeits is that they look at awful lot like the real thing. Perhaps that's why this whole conversation can be so difficult. Reading a good book could be a great way to relax and refuel - a God-given way. It could also be a counterfeit from the enemy of our souls who wants us to funnel our attention away from a life-giving God and towards wasted things that have no value. I'm reminded of the 2 Chapter of Jeremiah where he talks about God's people rejecting God, the stream of living water, and building their own cisterns that held no water. They fell for a counterfeit, and so do I. What would happen if I had a list ready in my head of God's good purposes whenever a counterfeit desire hits. For example: I feel the need to get on facebook and see what other people are up to. Instead, I could pick up the phone and call a friend. OR, I'm having a hard day, emotionally feeling down and I want to eat a box of chocolates, I could get outside and go for a walk or pull weeds or busy myself with some productive activity that gets my mind off food. Perhaps I'm feeling angry and want to go lecture my child for the poor choices he's been making, instead I could find a journal and write my thoughts and ask God to give me parenting wisdom to weather this storm. Again, you get the point. Find what the true desire is and replace the devil's counterfeit with God's real and good purpose in your life.
That's all for today, folks.
Jen :)
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