Slipping and Belief

You might want to wait until you have a few minutes, I feel a lengthy post coming on. Also, the picture with this post is completely unrelated just a smile from me to you! :)

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editors note - This has turned into a post that sums up my recent spiritual journey from start to finish. Forgive me for the places I have repeated what you already know. It was good for me to get it all written in one place. Thanks for being a reader. Today's post is perhaps more about my own processing than your reading - but I pray God enables you to glean something for your own journey.

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So, my journey to true rest that began in December has had 3 distinct phases. The journey began with recognizing that I was stuck and choosing to be still before God, even though I didn't know how to do this. I would say the key verse overall comes from Exodus 14:14, "The LORD will fight for you. You need only to be still."

The two places I found myself stuck were related to each other, but not exactly the same. One was that I had compulsive behaviors that I didn't like and wanted to change. Things like surfig the internet well past midnight, playing iPod games when the house needed to be cleaned, reading a novel in it's entirety in one sitting. Although I wanted them under my control, I continued to do them in out of control ways. I related to Paul who said in Romans 7:14-20 that he did what he didn't want and didn't do what he wanted to do. I had tried so many ways and strategies to change, but the bottom line was that I was stuck. The other piece of the puzzle is that I realized I did not know how to get true rest. I knew how to escape the demands of my life using my compulsive behaviors, but I did not know how to truly be still, to the point of being refreshed and renewed.

Jeff and I talked about fear - and being afraid of what we might find in the place of stillness. Because I was tired ALL THE TIME, and never changed my life habits to get un-tired, we had also talked about the idea of tiredness as a drug of choice. If people use drugs to dull the pain in their lives, then I was using lack of sleep to somehow dull the fear of an unknown pain. That became the focus of the journey for me, to be still long enough for God to expose the root of pain that I was running from.

Once I realized that I had problems bigger than myself, I set out in earnest to discover the roots of the problem. The first phase was difficult. Though God was showing me how much He loved me, it was through a valley of depression, confusion, weariness and waiting. I began to wrap my brain around some very unrealistic expectations I've had on myself. Since I've blogged about both the wrong goal and God's love, I won't go into too much detail here.

I'm not sure I ever mentioned it here, but beginning in March I began to have a feeling in my shoulders that intensifies whenever I sense God's presence. It's a feeling like someone is pulling my shoulders back and straight - like when my mom used to tell me to sit up straight, or stand straight and not hunch my shoulders. I feel this urge to stretch and straighten out my shoulders. We were at a conference when this started, and I didn't notice it for the first day and a half. On the evening of the second day it dawned on me that this feeling was new, and it was persisting. I asked God if it had anything to do with Him, and I thought He was saying, "I'm increasing your capacity to receive my love." Several times, in various situations, I have had this sensation over the past few months, and it has birthed a prayer in my heart. "God, increase my capacity to receive your love until I don't need or desire any of these compulsive distractions in my life."

That phase - which I'll call the Receiving God's love phase - was marked with struggle, stillness, clear messages from God, and eventually, a deepening sense of peace that I'm beloved, and don't need to be perfect.

Once it was settled that I am loved no matter what my behaviors are, God began to launch phase two. It was interesting that during the receiving love phase, God did not seem to be overly concerned with my compulsive behaviors. Yes, I was still doing them, but they simply served as a reminder that I needed to continue to allow God to do the deep work on my heart. It was as if I finally realized that the behaviors were not the real issue and I didn't need to keep beating myself up about them and striving to rid myself of them. Instead, I rested in God's keeping, and entrusted to Him the breaking of this strong hold in my life.

And when He set out to break the strong hold, boy-oh-boy did I ever know it. He was so loving and gentle with me. Never once did I feel condemned or jerked around. Yet He was very firm. He kindly - Romans 2:4 says that God's kindness leads us to repentance - put his finger on my weaknesses, my distractions, my escape routes, my compulsive behaviors, and began, one by one, to expose and uproot them. I've blogged some about that as well, so I won't go into more detail.

I will say that at one point in the journey of fasting from all the things God put on my heart to set aside for a month Josiah asked, "Mom, who says you can't have that desert?" It was an interesting question, based on the belief that I have the right to make whatever choice I want. In a way, he was right - it was within my reach to get a plate and a fork and eat that cake. On the other hand, I knew God had called me to an extreme discipline for a time - in order to release me from the invisible task masters in my life. I didn't want Josiah to think God was mean, so I hesitated to say, "God told me not to eat the cake." But neither did I want to miss an opportunity to share with my son about obedience and giving up what we want for the greater good. To share about short term willing self-deprivation for the sake of long-term good. My answer became (he asked more than once) "I believe God is leading me to not do/have certain things right now so that I can focus on Him."

The fasting phase I could also call the "breaking stage." Breaking habits, breaking thinking patterns, breaking the authority of sin in my life. It was a time of breaking. Others might call it pruning. It was good, so good, but not fun, so not fun!! And yet, as each day passed, I found it easier to say no to the bad and yes to the good. As a matter of fact, as my fast ended, I found myself thriving in life as I have not thrived in o-so-long. I was eating what I wanted, going to bed when I wanted, saying no when I wanted, pacing myself as I wanted, and all of this was so good for me. I was exercising, accomplishing things at home, present with my kids. It was a good place.

Which created a certain amount of fear about phase three, which I find myself in now. Phase three is the "live it" phase. The "take what you've learned and apply it to everyday life without rigid constraints" phase. If the personal breakthrough of phase two is the equivalent of the Israelites passing through the Red Sea, then phase three is the equivalent of heading out into the desert. The Israelites didn't have a very good track record in the desert. They kept wanting to go back to what they knew, to where they were comfortable. Slaves, but comfortable.

And that's what I feel like God has rescued me out of - slavery - and I don't want to go back. And yet I find myself desiring the things that I know, the escapes that are comfortable, the emotional "helps" that make me feel good, but don't fill my soul. I know my slave drivers drowned in the Red Sea when God delivered me through that fast, but I also know that old habits die hard. So while there is no authority telling me I MUST check e-mail 10 times a day, there is a habit in my heart that says, "But what if someone wanted to tell me something or ask me a question?"

In some ways I'm doing so well - I played tennis with Mom today and am in better shape than I've been in for y.e.a.r.s. (She still beat me badly, but I attribute that to the fact that Abby was there and was a distraction to my mental game.) I'm sitting here eating a salad with pepper, avocado, quinoa and no dressing as I type, and I prefer it to the chocolate cake sitting on my counter. (Mind you, the cake is 3 days old, made from a mix that was 3 years past the "best if used by" date) The kids are happy. Our home is reasonably clean, and I've gotten rid of tons of stuff by donating significant amounts to two good cause garage sales. (One more coming up at the Boda's.) I'm in a good place.

And yet I have this anxiety blowing in - like fog off the ocean - an unsettled feeling of dread that this too shall pass. That this thriving can't last forever and that I may very well sink back into my old ways of doing things. But, oh, I so don't want that to happen. I can't tell you how sick it makes me to think of going back there, even as my discipline slips through my fingers like sand. This morning I woke up with a sinking feeling (after going to bed later than I wanted almost every night this week and having an argument with God in my head about getting out of bed and spending time with Him before the day began) and went to my worship room to talk with God about it.

It was there that He reminded me that I can't do it. That's what started this whole thing. Back in December I found myself stuck, and in order to get unstuck I had to allow Him to fight for me, and keep myself out of it. Be still. And so it is with the way forward. Stillness. Trusting. Lifting my eyes to God. If I make it about my routines and good discipline, I will be back on the road to my bad habits in Babylon in the blink of on eye. Fear, compulsion, escape, tired, no rest. I don't want to live there!

So this morning God gave me a review of the things I've learned about the way forward. I call them my flowers in the desert. Here they are in no particular order:

- The way forward is NOT with some formula of do's and don'ts that I have to live by.

- The way forward IS:

-Coming to God every day for fresh "manna" for that day.

-Having a heart of worship - praying, praising, giving thanks, petitioning - Heart, mind and body responding to God.

-Living in gratitude

-Daily presenting myself as a living sacrifice and routinely laying down my desires for God's better guidance

-Praying in the Spirit on all occasions

-Knowing myself to be deeply loved

-Releasing the need to be perfect - renounce the slave drivers daily

-Surrendering my will to God's daily

Today I found myself slipping and I had to examine my beliefs. Do I think this positive place in life is only temporary - enjoyed to be mourned when it is lost? Or do I believe God is teaching me a new way to live and there is a way for it to be sustainable, even when I know I can't do it? So here is what I believe. Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came to give us life to the full. In Philippians 4 He promised us peace that passes understanding. In Eph 3 Paul prayed that we would know God's love. And in Romans Paul again prayed that we would overflow with joy and peace as we trust in God - overflowing with Hope.

So that's how I press on to live my life. Not out of my own effort and goodness - I've already failed at that and have full confidence I would fail again if left to my own devices!! But flowing out of a place of promise and rest, I look to God - acknowledging Him as the source of all good in my life - and take life one day at a time. Oh how I want to continue to live differently, and oh how it will have to be a different solution than anything I have ever tried before.