(editor's note: this is a long one, grab your coffee first!)
I know I have an enemy who lies to my soul. I am well aware that God's enemy, Satan, the devil, is my enemy as well. I know he would like nothing more than to separate me from God's love. I don't know WHY he hates, but he hates everything good and righteous and beautiful. Perhaps because he failed in his battle to be the supreme power, he now can't stand to see the Ultimate Supreme Power love weaklings like me. Perhaps it's repulsive to him to see how humility, grace and mercy have accomplished more for God's kingdom than brute force ever could.
I don't know why he hates and lies, but hate and lie he does - and we bear the brunt of living on this planet shadowed by his presence and minions. So when I say I have an enemy who lies to my soul, I'm saying that there is an evil force - be it the devil or demons - which fires fiery darts of doubt, accusation, confusion, condemnation, criticism, inferiority, insecurity, pride, judgment, and all manner of ugly, evil thoughts and emotions into my heart and mind.
On the other hand, there are thought patterns, ongoing emotions and personality characteristics that are just part of who I am. There is no lie involved, I'm just aware of how I process life. How I notice things. How I internalize things. What makes me tick. What makes me, me. I've grown quite accustomed to these features - whether emotional, spiritual, mental - and they are just part of how I do life.
Every now and then, there comes this moment when a light shines on something I've thought was just a part of who I am. Something I've lived with, prayed about, wrestled with and accepted as part of me for years. This bright light passes over it, and I see something different. I see the earmarks of my enemy, the one who lies to me. And I'm astounded to realize that what I thought I knew, what I had come to believe about myself and the world around me, was truly just a smoke-screen. An accusation. To put it plainly, a lie.
I had a moment like that yesterday. I was talking with a mentor/friend of mine, confessing what I believed to be a critical spirit. There is an area of my life that I often, if not always, have a running mental dialogue about what is happening, how it's affecting the people around, what I would say and do different - in short, I notice the things that I sense need improvement. As I shared that with my friend, her response became the bright light that exposed a glimpse of the lie. Her insightful awareness rocked my understanding. She pointed out that I'm a leader with clear communication skills and a bent for putting things to right. When I'm noticing areas for improvement, it's because God wired me to notice those things. It's what makes me, Me. Several times my mentor/friend used the word "analytical" as opposed to the word "critical".
For years I have struggled in these situations because as soon as my mental dialogue starts, I jump in with words like, "Jennifer, don't be judgmental." or "There's that critical spirit popping up again." or "Why do I always respond like this? Am I really so small as to need to tear this person/situation down?!" Lately I have been literally asking the question, "Which part of this mental dialogue comes from honest discernment, and which part is because I am being a brat?"
It dawned on me late yesterday afternoon, that by-and-large I am not a brat. That's not who I am. It's not how I function. It's not true. It's a lie. A lie I had lived with for so long that I thought it was just part of my personality to be critical of others in leadership. The truth is that God has made me to be analytical in certain situations, because He has called me to be a leader in those types of situations. It's also true that I need to take my analytical thoughts to Him and submit them humbly to His guidance - or they could become criticism - but they are not, on the outset, bad or wrong. I need to notice and be aware of my heart and my mind, but the condemnation of my thoughts, and the accusation of having a critical spirit are actually, I believe, lies from my enemy, the father of lies.
Wow, what do you do when you catch a glimpse of a lie and it totally rocks what you've thought all along? How do you think about that? How do you re-train your mind to see the truth in this instance? How can you adequately rejoice the passing of something you wrestled with for so long, that is now a rapidly disappearing vapor?
Oh Lord, for more revelation of the lies in our lives, that we might walk in the pure light of your immense Love. Or perhaps, the prayer is for more revelation of Your love in our lives, that we might more quickly recognize the lies of our enemy.
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