Hi

Hi. Just thought I'd check in and say I'm back from the world of no internet. Have been for a couple weeks. No inspiration to blog, however. So, when I'm inspired, I'll meet you back here. Until then, happy blog surfing.

Lent

I was reminded today, by a friend, that tomorrow begins the 40 day season before Easter that we call, "Lent." I don't always observe this tradition, but this year I'm feeling led to pay a bit more attention to my personal preparation for Easter.

Easter is, after all, an amazing celebration. Yet so often it gets lost amid Spring activities, new clothes, easter egg hunts and the ensuing money counting and candy gathering. It's not that I don't like our traditions, I actually love them. However, over the last few years I have felt more and more that I have been missing an opportunity to deepen my spiritual walk through a more serious focus on this significant Christian remembrance.

So this year I'm going to go through the Lent devotional book that Salem Alliance was handing out at church last weekend. And I think I'm going to give something up. If you're not familiar with the tradition, often Christians will give up something - chocolate, coffee, TV, video games, etc - for the 40 days before Easter. I think of it as a tangible way to focus more on God. I'm not sure why other people do it, but I do it as a discipline that gets my mind off my habits and onto who God is. I often couple this kind of a fast with a prayer. For example, several times when I have fasted, (taken a break) from dessert, I have said this prayer, "Lord, please give us the sweetness of your Spirit." Every time I have a craving for something sweet, I turn it into a prayer.

One friend said that anything we depend on more than God is an idol. So today, as I've been mulling over the idea of what God might be calling me to "give up", I also need to be conscious of the question "What do I depend on?"

So, with no further ado, I'm signing off the internet, again, until after Easter. Why? Because I depend on the internet for company, entertainment, education, friendship, news, processing my thoughts and so much more. Some of my dependence is healthy - like a blog as a good place to process my thoughts - but some is not so healthy - like the 5 times a day I check in on other blogs.

I apologize to those of you who have just found this blog, or who have weathered my other "sabbaticals" - I'll be back. :)

May God bless you with a spiritually significant season of Lent.

On Balance, or not

So, I had an interesting train of thought the other day. I was thinking about a spiritual conversation with a friend of mine, and there was a piece of what I had said that didn't sit well with my spirit. We were talking about grace and life. How we are given such freedom to live and yet is there still a requirement on us? We have some role in obeying, or pursuing, or being available, or do we? It was in this context that I said, "We have a responsibility." My thought was that we needed to discover the balance between God's grace and our responsibility. It didn't settle right in my soul, however, and that was what found me sitting down with my journal and asking God about it.

I don't do this very often, but here is an unedited excerpt from my journal.

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March 1, 2011

Galatians 4&5 - Slavery

4:8 - Formerly slaves to those who by nature are not gods. . . weak and miserable principles

5:1 - Freedom - do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (the whole law)

Matt 11:29-30 "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me. . . rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

The yoke of slavery leads to drivenness - the absence of rest because an outside force compels me to action.

Jesus' yoke leads to rest because it is a good fit for me - crafted by a master who loves me and works for my good.

And I get to choose which yoke I wear. Day to day life may appear the same on the outside, at the outset - but flowing out of two very different fountains.

• Looking for the balance between a life of slavery to the law and the life of freedom.

• Looking for balance between drivenness and rest

• Looking for balance between my responsibility and grace.

The trouble with this thinking is that it appears I need equal parts of each to attain "balance" - but the life of slavery, drivenness and thus what I see as "my responsibility" is not just opposite of freedom, rest and grace, they are completely incompatible. It's not balance or knowledge I need, It's Jesus.

Father, open my eyes and heart to your truth in my life, to the structure that is your yoke. I abide in you and submit to the form of the branch. I wait for you - because I'm not sure how to think about my responsibility. Amen

* Jennifer, look at it this way. It's all My responsibility - you are not "responsible" - and I will show you the way to go. Rather than focusing on what you need to do, focus on Me, on My Face, and I will lead you in the way you should go. Amen.

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Healing conference

So, last week My Farmer and I were in Redding, CA for a conference on the healing power of God. I have so many thoughts and layers of learning on the subject that my mind spins trying to figure out which parts to say, and how to say them. Perhaps in the future I will try to take bite-sized portions and turn them into a series of blog posts. For now, I think I'll just give you some bullet point nuggets to give you an overview of what God was teaching and showing me during the week.

• God will give us opportunities in life, we need to be prepared for them.

• So much of prayer has to do with listening to the Holy Spirit and praying what He gives

• Breaking off a spirit of intimidation

• Worshipping in freedom, with banners waving, dancing in joy and honoring God

• Entering a new season in life, requiring a new level, which requires increased filling from God - being intentional about pulling away for time with God

• Living with a grateful heart

• It's o.k. to not be o.k.

• Abiding is a union of infinite love

• In ministry, point others to Jesus, teaching them to go to God for themselves

• "He restores my soul"

• I do not need "balance" in my life, I need Jesus, His Presence

• Forgiveness is a key to walking as God intends

• When we allow God to heal us, He can use our wounds to help others. We become a "wounded healer."

And a few key thoughts:

"You are my child.

I am so proud of you.

You are my child.

I am so pleased with you."

Jesus taught us to pray "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven." We would not need to pray this if God's will was always perfectly done on earth. So, while I believe 100% in the sovereignty of God, I don't think it means what I thought it meant.

Thoughts on unforgiveness:

As Christians we know that God calls us to forgive others. I think if most of us looked at the hard things in our life - wounds, betrayal, rejection, anger, abuse, etc. . . - we would say that we have forgiven the people involved. We say this because we know we should, and because we've tried to make a choice to forgive. At this conference one of the speakers gave a great list of attitudes and feelings that indicate we are still walking in unforgiveness. I found it very helpful and thought I would pass it along to you.

What can the symptoms of unforgiveness look like?

Ask yourself these questions: Is there a person to whom you tend to. . .

1. Continually rehearse the wounding scenarios connected to this person?

2. Avoid and treat with indifference?

3. Talk to others about in a negative light?

4. Carry a secret wish that they would somehow fail or feel pain?

5. Treat in a passive/aggressive way?

6. Become easily offended by?

© Bill Randall - 2011

As I listened to his explanation of these insightful questions, I found that there was some business I needed to do with God in the area of forgiveness. The speaker also gave us a great, step-by-step training, on walking through true forgiveness. It was simple and powerful and one of the most meaningful sessions of the week for me.

That's it for now. I realize it's a bunch of random thoughts. . . If any of them catch your attention and you'd like to know what I mean by it, feel free to leave a question in the comments. Perhaps that can inspire some more posts to unpack this more fully.

I'm Needy

I quake in my skin just typing the title. For years I have perfected the art of hiding my neediness. What will people think of me when they check my blog and see those dreadful words at the top of the page? I. am. needy. Ewww. I recoil at the thought.

Why? Because need, the state of not having it all together, implies weakness. It implies that I'm not enough, that I can't do what it takes to keep myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually sane.

Needy people are also a drain. A bottomless pit. We've all known "them." The people who are so needy that, though we try to love and help them, we can't possibly be enough for them. We can't pour enough into them. It's as if they are a sieve rather than a bucket, and no amount of drops of love, or help, or counsel, or encouragement from me is going to fill them up. I can pour myself out for them today, only to find them empty again tomorrow. I desperately don't want to be perceived as one of "them."

And as Christians we feel guilty even reading that last paragraph, let alone writing it. How dare I imply that a person in need is a drain to me? Did I just say that out loud? That a needy person sucks the life out of me and leaves me wasted and spent?

Yep, I said it, and I'd say it again if I thought you couldn't re-read the last paragraph if you wanted to.

And here's why.

There is this Catch 22 in life, an oxymoron if you will. We need each other - God made us to be in community - but we can't fill each other up. Only God can fill us. So we're born into relationships, and build new ones throughout life, only to find that we're not "enough" for the people we love. They need to be filled by God, and neither you, nor I, are God.

Unfortunately, coming to an accurate understanding of the need for God in every human soul sometimes takes years. In the meantime, we actually think it's our job to fill others, and that we're failing in our job. And when we feel like we're failing, we have to do something to right the ship, and we withdraw from the relationships that suck us dry. What this essentially does is leave the needy person feeling rejected and isolated.

It's a lose-lose cycle. I don't blame the needy person for being needy. Hear me on this, I'm not saying "them" in a judgmental tone, as if they are to blame and are bad. I'm saying "them" in the sense of knowing that there are people in our lives who have deep, persistent needs. I also don't blame the weary soul for withdrawing. Somehow I think the idea of "love" in the situation of unquenchable need is a mystery that escapes us.

So I would like to propose a new way of approaching the subject. Let me illustrate with a story from my life.

In recent months it has become apparent to me that I have been in hiding. Not all of me in hiding, just parts of me. And one part of me that has been the deepest in hiding is my neediness. Upon recollection, I remember hiding it in a secret room when I was about 13. I had enough experience of my neediness being ill-received to realize that if I wanted to have friends, and keep them, I ought to set my need on a shelf and be sure not to gush about it to anyone. I ought to be self-sufficient, confident, capable, and by all means, find something to be very good at.

I discovered I was quick on my feet, joined the track team, established some success, built the confidence to interact positively with my peers, and left my needy, adolescent, multi-rejected self in the secret room. And forgot all about her. Until a few months ago. When I realized that, although I have developed reasonable relational skills on a social level, even on a spiritual level, there was a place in my emotional make-up that had no friends. I had 100's of friends, (739 on facebook, to be exact) and several know me very well, but none knew the vulnerable truth of my neediness and my secret room - because I didn't even know it was there.

In the process of discovering my secret room, entrusting that needy, adolescent, multi-rejected girl to Jesus, and exposing her to a couple of safe and trusted friends, I have discovered why I hid her in the first place. I was afraid of becoming one of "them." You know, the needy people who suck you dry. The ones you cringe when they call, or cross your path, because you know it's the Christian thing to do to love them, but it leaves you wasted and weary. I wanted to be accepted and perceived as whole, so I hid my need.

Jesus invited me out of hiding, but I was so afraid that if I quit hiding my neediness my friends would discover just how uninviting I really am. It's been this process of standing at the door of my secret room, peeking in, realizing how dank and unhealthy it is in there, and choosing to let my need out into the light.

And here is my "a-ha" moment behind this whole, long, rambling post. Just yesterday, in talking with Jeff about a teaching opportunity we had, something began to come clear to me about need. I was like Tumnus the Faun in The Horse and His Boy when a plan begins to take shape in his mind: "The faun was holding both his horns with his hands as if he were trying to keep his head on by them and writhing to and fro as if he had a pain in his inside. 'Don't speak to me, don't speak to me,' said Tumnus. 'I'm thinking, I'm thinking so that I can hardly breathe. Wait, wait, do wait.'"

I sat there with my hands on my head and said to Jeff, "Wait, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough." He said a quick prayer for God to forward whatever idea was being birthed, and sat quietly while I rocked in my chair, trying to clarify in my brain the truth that was rocketing through my soul.

The thought, so simple, that rocked my world is that there is a third option. I had only seen two: either expose my need to others - expecting them to fill me up - and be disappointed and rejected, or hide my deepest needs from others so that I could feel accepted, competent, and worthy. The third option, so simple, that dawned on me: when we expose our deepest needs, entrusting them to God's care and concern, we are able to share them with others without being one of "them." Sharing our needs with others when we have entrusted our hearts to God leads to authenticity, humility, honesty and community rather than the disappointment and broken relationships of expecting others to fill us.

It's a truth I think I've been living for several months now, but it was in the stage of inexplicable mystery - as in, "I don't know why she still likes me after I have been real with her about so much of my neediness, but she does. It's a mystery of God." But now I see - the reason it is safe to share my neediness is because I'm not looking to any friend to "fill" me, but to walk with me.

Perhaps that's what love is - not a calling, requirement or even ability to "fill" another human soul - but rather a desire, persistence and grace to walk alongside while they learn how to entrust their human soul to God. While they find Him Enough to fill their every need. And when we're in relationship with someone who is not willing to work on their pain and subconsciously demands - through expectation, manipulation, hurt feelings, "poor me-isms," blame and ever-recurring crises - that we fill them, it's o.k., and even Christian, to entrust them to the care of God and extricate ourselves from their mess. As a wise teacher once said, "Get our sail out of their wind."

(I feel the need to clarify that by "extricate ourselves from their mess" I'm not talking of divorce. I realize the subject may be intensified in a marriage situation, but in that case we have made a life-long commitment to a person. While it is o.k. and good and right to get ourselves to a healthy place and set appropriate boundaries on manipulation and the like, the question of actually leaving the marriage is a weighty matter. I cannot speak to any specific situation, only say that I believe it is on God's heart for us to fight for our marriages and remain true to our vows, even when it's hard. In the case of spiritual, verbal or emotional abuse, seek the help of someone you trust or a professional counselor.)

So, just in case it's not as clear as I'd like it to be: I'm needy. And that's o.k. I'm learning that I don't have to hide my neediness. I'm also learning that if I share my neediness it doesn't automatically make me a drain on society. I'm learning that if I see my need, admit my need, and entrust my need to God, I can share that need with others and it will benefit us both. I can become the kind of person through whom God blesses others. Even in my place of need.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:8

New Post

Feeling the need for a new post. Not sure what about. Is that officially writers block? Or just uninspired? OK, I just got it. Yes, just like that, it's the way I work. You'd be amazed if you lived inside my brain. Sometimes it's difficult to live with myself when my brain does such a rapid about-face!

Remain in my love.

Thats the title. Remain in my love. Here's the story:

Last Thursday I had a challenging morning. Not a "bad" morning, just a morning that tempted me to wallow in my "stuff" for awhile. You know, the "I've been doing so great lately, why do I feel emotionally crummy again this morning? Am I back to square one? Have I accomplished anything at all? Arrrggghhhh! When will I be over this stage of questioning and introspection?" stuff. A couple things had triggered my emotions, and I was trying hard to stay peaceful, to remember all the things I've learned lately about how to abide in Christ and live in joy and rest, even in the midst of life's messy circumstances.

I was trying hard, but sinking. As Abby and I walked to church for Hearts at Home, (great time with Steve and Trina - gave me lots to think about as a wife and parent) I was internally wrestling with myself, trying to get my emotions in submission to my will. I was losing the wrestling match and my internal frustration was mounting.

Now, let me pause in the story to simply say that this whole scenario is not unusual for me. In case you suspect that I'm one of those people whose outside always matches her inside, I would like to dispel any myth. While I am on a journey to wholeness that makes me more at peace than I used to be, I am also well-practiced in putting on a smile for social situations. My insides can be in turmoil and my brain going a million miles an hour. Generally the social interaction will push my mental gyrations to the side, but give me any space of quietness for reflection, and the engines rev back up and I'm off and running. So heading to church to mingle with others was not a huge hurdle in the state I was in, but part of my angst was the desire to be fully present and not have this sidebar going on inside of me all morning.

That's the state of things as I walked down the sidewalk with Abby last Thursday morning. Into the sunshine and crisp morning air came an interruption to my spiraling thoughts, "Message Received." Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I saw that my friend had sent me a text message. This is a friend who I know listens to God, but I wasn't anticipating a direct message from Him when I flipped open the phone to read the text. It read, "Remain in my love."

Now, honestly, my first thought was, "Remain in your (my friend's) love? No, that's not what she meant." I quickly realized that she must be having some time with the Lord and have sensed His nudging to send me the message just as it read. "Remain in my love."

So quickly it swept over me, "Duh, Of course, and Such grace" all at the same time. It's the message and mantra of the last year of my life. The antidote to my mental meanderings, confusions, wrestling matches and upheavals is God's love. Period. You may remember me blogging about it some time ago. Over and over again, the message has been, I am a Beloved Daughter of God and that is enough. That's my life goal. That gets me through each day.

Remain in my love. Dropped like a gift from the sky into my walk with my daughter last Thursday morning. It's effect was immediate and amazing. I didn't have to keep wrestling in my head. I didn't have to make my emotions submit. I didn't have to figure it all out. All I needed to do was remember myself to be loved, and stay there.

I honestly don't know how to explain how to do that, I just know I'm learning and somehow it makes a difference in each day. Each hour. Each moment. To remain in His love. Perhaps it's simply the awareness of His love that carries me. Perhaps it is a focus to draw my attention away from my struggles. Perhaps it's a combination of both. All I know is that last Thursday morning, I entered the church with my head up, my heart clear, and my emotions ready to offer my unguarded presence to those I would meet.

The difference God's intervention makes is truly amazing. Every day.

And the gift of friends who listen. . . is priceless!

Why no Comments

A friend asked me today, via facebook, why you can't leave comments on this blog anymore. I know I mentioned it briefly months ago, but thought other readers might benefit from a current explanation of why I disabled the comments. So here is the answer I gave her:

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Hi friend - Back in May when I took my hiatus from everything electronic, I was trying to get a grip on my time management. In August when I took a break from blogging, I was trying to get a grip on my motives and relationships.

I had found that I was checking my blog umpteen times a day to see if anyone had commented on a recent post. And they rarely had. Then I was disappointed with my friends. Then I was frustrated with myself for being disappointed.

Bottom line, I was looking to my blog for relational interaction and personal affirmation. I wanted people to reply so that I knew they liked me. And this, I discovered, is not a good way to do life.

So, God lead me to quit blogging for a time, until I could get my motives in check, my affirmation from Him, and personal relationships growing offline. As I took that journey, I missed blogging. I missed processing my thoughts and life lessons in writing. I missed the outlet to share what God was teaching me.

And even though part of blogging had become unhealthy for me, I also knew there was good coming out of the blog as God was using it as an avenue for sharing and teaching.

So I was hanging out with a friend and she said, "What if you disabled comments?" I first thought, "No, I just need to get my life and heart together." And then I realized it was a brilliant idea. If people couldn't comment, then I couldn't be looking to their comments to affirm me and validate me.

So God and I struck a compromise. I could start blogging again if I disabled comments and deleted the bar with all the connections to other blogs. Both of those measures have saved me considerable amount of time on the internet, and by doing so, God gave me permission to start writing again.

Lately, I've been tempted to turn comments back on. I feel like I'm in a different place relationally and emotionally, and I wouldn't be looking for the blog to meet my needs for affirmation and friendship. . . but honestly I've been a little scared to discover I'm wrong and still dependent on comments to make me feel good about myself.

That's probably a longer answer than you were looking for, but it's the whole story.

Love you - Jen :)

When you catch a glimpse of a lie

(editor's note: this is a long one, grab your coffee first!)

"When (the devil) lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

I know I have an enemy who lies to my soul. I am well aware that God's enemy, Satan, the devil, is my enemy as well. I know he would like nothing more than to separate me from God's love. I don't know WHY he hates, but he hates everything good and righteous and beautiful. Perhaps because he failed in his battle to be the supreme power, he now can't stand to see the Ultimate Supreme Power love weaklings like me. Perhaps it's repulsive to him to see how humility, grace and mercy have accomplished more for God's kingdom than brute force ever could.

I don't know why he hates and lies, but hate and lie he does - and we bear the brunt of living on this planet shadowed by his presence and minions. So when I say I have an enemy who lies to my soul, I'm saying that there is an evil force - be it the devil or demons - which fires fiery darts of doubt, accusation, confusion, condemnation, criticism, inferiority, insecurity, pride, judgment, and all manner of ugly, evil thoughts and emotions into my heart and mind.

On the other hand, there are thought patterns, ongoing emotions and personality characteristics that are just part of who I am. There is no lie involved, I'm just aware of how I process life. How I notice things. How I internalize things. What makes me tick. What makes me, me. I've grown quite accustomed to these features - whether emotional, spiritual, mental - and they are just part of how I do life.

Every now and then, there comes this moment when a light shines on something I've thought was just a part of who I am. Something I've lived with, prayed about, wrestled with and accepted as part of me for years. This bright light passes over it, and I see something different. I see the earmarks of my enemy, the one who lies to me. And I'm astounded to realize that what I thought I knew, what I had come to believe about myself and the world around me, was truly just a smoke-screen. An accusation. To put it plainly, a lie.

I had a moment like that yesterday. I was talking with a mentor/friend of mine, confessing what I believed to be a critical spirit. There is an area of my life that I often, if not always, have a running mental dialogue about what is happening, how it's affecting the people around, what I would say and do different - in short, I notice the things that I sense need improvement. As I shared that with my friend, her response became the bright light that exposed a glimpse of the lie. Her insightful awareness rocked my understanding. She pointed out that I'm a leader with clear communication skills and a bent for putting things to right. When I'm noticing areas for improvement, it's because God wired me to notice those things. It's what makes me, Me. Several times my mentor/friend used the word "analytical" as opposed to the word "critical".

For years I have struggled in these situations because as soon as my mental dialogue starts, I jump in with words like, "Jennifer, don't be judgmental." or "There's that critical spirit popping up again." or "Why do I always respond like this? Am I really so small as to need to tear this person/situation down?!" Lately I have been literally asking the question, "Which part of this mental dialogue comes from honest discernment, and which part is because I am being a brat?"

It dawned on me late yesterday afternoon, that by-and-large I am not a brat. That's not who I am. It's not how I function. It's not true. It's a lie. A lie I had lived with for so long that I thought it was just part of my personality to be critical of others in leadership. The truth is that God has made me to be analytical in certain situations, because He has called me to be a leader in those types of situations. It's also true that I need to take my analytical thoughts to Him and submit them humbly to His guidance - or they could become criticism - but they are not, on the outset, bad or wrong. I need to notice and be aware of my heart and my mind, but the condemnation of my thoughts, and the accusation of having a critical spirit are actually, I believe, lies from my enemy, the father of lies.

Wow, what do you do when you catch a glimpse of a lie and it totally rocks what you've thought all along? How do you think about that? How do you re-train your mind to see the truth in this instance? How can you adequately rejoice the passing of something you wrestled with for so long, that is now a rapidly disappearing vapor?

Oh Lord, for more revelation of the lies in our lives, that we might walk in the pure light of your immense Love. Or perhaps, the prayer is for more revelation of Your love in our lives, that we might more quickly recognize the lies of our enemy.

Facing Fears

Did you know that some people call Guinea Pigs "Cavis"? I don't really know what scientific name it's from, but the web site that gives me all my information is called "Cavi Care." I call them Piggies. Sometimes Pigeriffics. Abby says, "No Mom, they're Guineas!" Whatever you call them, they were the source of one of my fears.

You know, the irrational one about trimming animals' nails. The fact that guinea pigs need their toenails trimmed was almost a deal-breaker for bringing Snowflake and Charcoal home. I have never liked the idea of putting my delicate skin in the vicinity of sharp claws, not to mention sharp teeth. I mean, really, my experience was with children, and does any child like having their nails clipped? I imagined a wiggling, writhing piggie in my hands, trying to get away and biting at the hand that held him.

I decided I would take them to the vet every 6 weeks or so. My Farmer said he would rather trim them himself than take them to the vet. I decided I would just wait until they were so long I absolutely HAD to do something about it.

So today, I gave those guinea pigs a bath. Over the weekend I mentioned to my Cavi Savvy friend that my pigs really stink. She mentioned that these small rodents need a bath every now and then. Bathe a rodent? Oh my!! It wasn't my favorite idea, but they really did stink.

This morning Abby and I rolled up our sleeves, cleaned out their cage and proceeded to bathe both the piggerifics. I use the term "Abby and I" loosely, as you might imagine. :) So I won't go into all the details of Guinea Pigs freaking out when they get in water, but I will say that at some point in the bathing and drying process, they both were so stunned with this new experience as to be very, very still.

It dawned on me that this "I can't believe what is happening to me" state might be a good time to pull out the nail clippers. After all, if I could catch them while they were in a stupor, I might get out without getting bit or scratched. Abby ran for the clippers. I wrapped Snowflake in a towel, strategically placing the towel between his mouth and my hand, and proceeded to trim his nails. Piece of cake.

You would have thought I had scaled Mt. Rushmore from the sense of accomplishment I felt when I placed my second clean, dry piggie in the the fresh, clean cage. Mission accomplished. And more importantly, I learned that I can do it. I faced my fear.

What else in life might I be procrastinating or prepared to pay someone else to do because I fear the outcome? I question my competence? I don't want to get hurt, or fail, or mess things up? Sometimes my fears are obvious, like small tents and rodent claws. Other times my fears are less obvious, subconscious, subtle, hidden. . . but still impacting my day-to-day choices and relationships. Those are the ones I would like to have the eyes to see and the courage to face. Because, as with my piggie paws, I think I might find that the thing I fear is not as bad as the fear itself.

What am I perpetuating?

Do you ever feel like your only purpose in life is to perpetuate your own existence? I mean, think about it.

Today, I:

Got out of bed

Prayed

Woke up the kids

Helped Titus get ready for school

Loved Josiah while he got sick

Cleaned up after him

Did dishes

Gathered dirty laundry

Made a large pile of said dirty laundry

Cleaned up the clutter in the living room

Checked e-mail, facebook and the news

Talked through the civil war era with Josiah

(as a part of his homework)

Now it's time for lunch and I head to the kitchen with the thought, "Some days it seems like all I'm really doing at home is perpetuating my own existence." I clean clothes so that we can keep wearing clothes. I do dishes so that we can have clean dishes. I clean up clutter so that we can create more clutter. Jeff goes to work and makes money so that we can afford to wash clothes, do dishes and clean up clutter.

I mean, seriously, if this is all there is to life it's pointless and wrong. I get so caught up in my circles of influence and cycles of life that I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm running like crazy, but getting nowhere.

And then God gives me a gift, a thought, like a dew-drop from heaven, a light begins to break and dawn. Yes, I spend an inordinate amount of time on activities that will only have to be re-done in 48 hours. However, I also invest time and energy into people and places and spaces that have personal, spiritual, temporal and eternal impact. When I chat on the phone with a friend and encourage her, I'm also influencing the people in her life who will benefit from the fact that she chatted with a friend and got to process her "stuff". When I teach in a community group at church, sharing ideas and lessons God has taught me, I impact the lives of those in class, as well as people in their sphere-of-influence, who will benefit from the fact that they were encouraged or challenged in class. When I pray for my kids and friends and family, I impact things in the spiritual realm. When I do my best to love on my miracles and raise them to be Christ-following, tender-hearted, self-confident individuals, I'm influencing the next generation and the families they will raise.

So today, while I do dishes and care for my sick son, I'm influencing people and places for years to come. My existence is not limited to my cycle of repetitious tasks, my existence is powerful and fruitful when it intersects the divine destiny God had in mind since before the beginning of time.

Josiah just asked me how he was related to "Mrs. Roth" - a teacher at his school. The answer is that My Farmer and her husband are second cousins. If you track back to the parents of the siblings who had kids who married and had kids to create that relationship, you're talking about 3 generations. It's just a stark reminder to me that my kids will still be in relationships and perpetuating relationships long after I'm gone, and quite frankly, after they're gone.

I don't know about you, but it's helpful for me to remember, every now and then, that my life is not just about the perpetuation of my own existence. What I do today, how I think about myself, the choices I make and the way I act on them, matters.

Pesky Fly

Abby girl has taken it into her head that flies are an entity to be feared. Alas, flies, as you probably well know, are a part of reality. Mysteriously, we have had several flies in the house lately. I can't quite figure out where they're coming from. First of all, it's winter, aren't they all supposed to be dormant? Second, it's winter, and all my doors and windows are closed.

Setting the mystery of the flies aside, let's turn to the reality of my life with what Abby calls, "Pesky flies." I'll be peacefully playing a game with the boys, making dinner, or sleeping, when my delightful daughter will yell, loudly, "MOMMY, PESKY FLY!!!" The urgency of her tone betrays her fear and we begin the hunt to swat the fly so that we can all return to peace. Last night at dinner Farmer Jeff was a hero - he ate his dinner with one hand while waving his other hand over Abby's plate so that no pesky fly could buzz round or land.

The crisis has been gathering for several days now, and it imploded on me last night at 3:37 - when the cry of "MOMMY, PESKY FLY!!!" shattered my slumber and drew me out into the cold, weary night. Unfortunately for me, Mr. Pesky Fly did not show himself. Being awake at 3:37 also alerted me to another issue that needed dealing with, and while one of our sons showered, I changed sheets and started a load of laundry - all the while watching for Mr. Pesky Fly. Sporadically Abby would yell that she heard him again, and by the time I was done with sheets and shower - having returned young son to his bed - it was quite clear that Abby was not tired. She was hovered under her blanket and petrified that Mr. Pesky was going to crawl in some slight hole of her armor and somehow get her.

So I laid down on her toddler bed with her, making a firm decision to upgrade her to a twin as soon as possible, and remained with her until she appeared sound asleep. However, and you can see this coming if you read between the lines, when I got up from her bed, she awoke to wonder where I was going. So I laid back down on her floor, hoping to make a less obtrusive escape when once she slept again. Eventually there was rhythmic breathing from her bed and I tiptoed back to mine - only to find that it was 23 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. And 10 minutes before my alarm went off, Abby called again, "Momma, I want you."

AAARRRGGGHHHH!! If you do the math, that means I laid in my own bed for 13 minutes between 3:37 and 5:20 this morning. Pesky flies have got to go - I'm on a fly swatter wielding rampage. Watch out if you're small, black, winged and in my house, today's your last day because I am sleeping tonight!

p.s. When I read on facebook that my friends took their baby to the hospital in the night and she is admitted with RSV, it made me feel less sorry for myself and my night. God bless you guys!!

Do over, Please

So, I have an on-again/off-again relationship with my bed. I love my bed. I love being in my bed. I love staying in my bed. As a matter of fact, in the mornings, I would much rather stay in my bed than get out of it. Just sinking into the soft warmth and ignoring the fact that there is a cold, dark morning awaiting me.

However, at night time, when the house is quiet and all the kids are asleep, I'm not eager to get in my bed. It just seems like such a perfect time for some alone time. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my chores if I choose. Alone with Facebook, just for the fun of it. The only problem in this nightly bed-resistance is that it prolongs my bed-affection in the morning. Which, in turn, can create problems for getting the boys up and off to school on time.

Last night was no exception, and while I was 100% ready for bed by 10:10, with opportunity to get mega-sleep, I chose to send two more e-mails. Ahhh, the fateful decision to open the computer after it was put to sleep for the night! I should know better. Really, I should!

The rest is history. If you were on facebook at 11:00 last night you know I was there too. Uhgg. That was followed by 45 more minutes of surfing the internet. Bedtime: 11:45. This morning was so painful. The boys go to school early, so I have to get up early, and today when my alarm went off, I was having a full-on case of bed-affection! As well as a full-on case of self-kicking. I hate it when I do that - stay up too late and rob from today what could have been a gift for today.

I wanted a do-over.

Not expecting that He would be very sympathetic to my poor plight, seeing how it was my own fault and all, I asked God if He might redeem my day, even though I'm the one who shot it in the foot before it even began. I wasn't sure what "redemption" of my day might look like, but I asked anyway.

So I rolled out of bed at 6:15, got the boys out the door on time with Jeff (7:20ish) and sat down in my cozy purple chair with my warm soft blankets and tried to read my Bible. I was a definite nodder, however, and I finally allowed myself to kick back and take a little snooze. Two unusual things happened next. First, Abby slept later than usual. And second, when she woke up, she allowed me to keep snoozing. I had no sense of how long I had been in the chair when our upstairs neighbor came down to leave for work, and I discovered it was 9:30.

As I slowly came more and more awake, a smile started in my soul and spread over my face. Even though I didn't deserve it, God had redeemed my day. He gifted me with two extra hours of sleep to make up for the two I wasted last night.

Not sure if there are theological ramifications for my interpretation of this morning's events. . . but I personally feel as though God smiled on me and I'm ready to roll. :)

Receptors

I'm not very tech savvy. By that I mean, I know how to use technology, but I've never quite understood its inner workings. In 3rd grade I got my only "C" on a project that involved programming a computer. . . and I've never been interested since in how computers do what they do.

However, this morning I had an idea that stretched my imagination and made me think. It was about receptors. Or perhaps the technological items that serve as the receivers of signals have another high-tech name. For now I'm calling them receptors.

To my knowledge, every signal that is sent cross-country or just across the house, needs a receptor. A signal with no TV means no programs tonight. A radio wave with no radio means no music in the car. A phone with no friend is just a chunk of plastic and wires in your hand. And a walkie, with no talkie, is just talking into thin air. When signals are sent, they must have a compatible receptor or there is no communication happening.

So, this morning, My Farmer walked into the kitchen and said, "Hello." A fairly innocent and common way to start the day. But this morning, as opposed to the last month of mornings, I actually had receptors for my husband. I was in a place and position, physically and emotionally, to receive the idea that the man I love had just walked into the kitchen and was greeting me. My heart was warmed, and smile spread across my face and my mind thought, "My, this feels different."

See, just last night as we went to bed we were talking about how I was feeling distant from him. Not mad at him or upset or hurt or offended, just distant. Nothing he had said or done was at fault, it was just fact. He mentioned that he also felt that distance, and he had chalked it up to how sick I've been. Essentially saying, "You haven't really been yourself lately." I think I would have been offended at the inference that I was the one keeping the distance, but it was late and we were tired and he was asleep, me half asleep, before I realized that I never really responded to his thought.

This last month has been a blur for me. School Christmas programs and events, shopping, preparing, family gatherings, shopping, cleaning, My Farmer's 50th, more family gatherings, more shopping, three big days of eating and presents and family and more eating, and then a major crash from some pesky germs that invaded my body. I'm still sniffling as I sit here and type. Let's just say that if My Farmer were to infer that I haven't been myself lately, he would be right.

This morning, however, was a bit different. I woke up with a spring in my spirit, and lightness in my heart, and took 10 minutes before I woke up the boys to sit down with my Bible and journal and say hello to God. It's been quite awhile since I sat in my chair to visit with God, and it was good for my heart and spirit and mind to engage with His Spirit once again.

So when My Farmer walked in the kitchen and I actually felt his greeting and presence, I literally thought, "Oh, receptors. I haven't been receiving his relational connectors because I didn't have any receptors." He was talking with me, helping me, serving me, taking care of our kids, cleaning the house. . . in short, My Farmer is amazing. But I was feeling distant because my receptors had been blocked. For one reason or another - busyness, sickness, tiredness, distractedness - I had not been receiving what he was communicating.

I'm glad my receptors are starting to work again, it feels good to connect with the one I love. And all he said was "hi". How are your receptors functioning today?

Gratitude or Poor Me

So, after the wild week getting ready for Christmas (think several midnights in a row working on afore-posted stockings) too much sugar (for me AND the kids) and a family cold being passed around, I succumbed to reality on Sunday afternoon and emerged sometime Thursday. The Cold got the upper hand and I went to bed around 8:00pm, four nights in a row. And Monday that was after sleeping most the day. I slept, no joking, until 9:30 most mornings, and it wasn't until Thursday night that I finally couldn't sleep any more. I layed around all week like a slug, and when I tried to get up my head would spin and I would tell Jeff that I still wasn't feeling quite right.

I can see this one of two ways: One way is to say that if I had to be sick, I'm glad it was a week when I didn't have to get the kids back and forth from school, Jeff was able to be home, and the kids had Christmas presents to entertain them. That's the gratitude answer. The other way to look at is that tomorrow my kids return to school after two weeks off and, between preparing for Christmas and recovering from Christmas, I completely missed "vacation!!" That's the "Poor Me" answer.

I'm going with the gratitude answer - - but the poor me crops up every now and then.

And I wonder if there aren't a lot more choices like that in life - choices between gratitude and poor me - that maybe I just don't recognize as clearly. I won't make it a resolution because this isn't a New Year's post, but I hope I lean more toward gratitude than poor me when opportunity arises.

How do you know?

"Abby, we're going to the store."

How do you know?

"I need to make lunch."

How do you know?

"The guinea pigs don't like broccoli."

How do you know?

"That's bird poop."

How do you know?

"When someone is spraying the car with a hose, don't roll down the window."

How do you know?

The boys asked "why", the girl asks "How do you know?"

I'm about to pull out my hair.

How do you know?

They did it again

This weekend has been full and fabulous! My Farmer turned 50 on Friday, so we had a family lunch and he took the kids to the Kroc Center. They had a blast. Saturday I had two speaking engagements. Crazy to do two in one day - but they were both great. One was a women's holiday brunch - beautiful decorations, wonderful food, and a 40 minute message about the gifts that don't look like what we expected and what choice we will make regarding them. The second was with our Community Group at Salem Alliance - more of a discussion format on Ephesians 4:2-4. I enjoyed both opportunities immensely, and was totally beat by the end of the day.

Sunday dawned bright and clear as the day of My Farmer's Birthday party - and open house at our home for about 100 people. We cleaned last minute clutter, prepared food, and awaited the arrival of our first guests. I haven't counted up how many actually came, but from 1-4 there was a steady stream, with a major rush at the start, just after church got out. It was so fun to see so many people come and bless My Farmer. He truly enjoyed the day and had so many good connections with people he loves.

The day ended with a Roth family celebration of all the December birthdays, and an early Christmas gift for my kids - two of Mandy's Guinea Pigs!! (If you don't know Mandy, her family got two "boy" piggies and one got pregnant - now they have 8 piggies, and were happy to give us 2) The kids love the piggies, and seeing their responses made me less dubious of my rash decision to go for pets! :)

In the midst of all this activity, I haven't checked e-mail much. So this morning I sat down to sort out the weekend messages, and I saw a devotional from Friday, December 3rd. And those people from Ransomed Heart Ministries did it again. They posted a thought at JUST the right time for me, and summarized my life in 3 paragraphs.

If you read it, I think you'll see what God has been doing in me - perhaps you as well - over the past year: closing doors I thought I wanted to go through in order to teach me how to draw near to Himself. It's hard and good at the same time.

Happy Monday.

Joy

I have a post percolating, it's still a bit jumbled in my mind and I may be trying to induce it too soon, but I'm going to give it a whirl. Hope it makes sense to you at the end. :)

Yesterday I had a significant series of spiritual thoughts stemming from books, Bible and hymnal. I'll write them here for you and then see if I can connect the dots for you - the way my brain did yesterday - or if I just leave you to connect your own dots.

From For Everything a Season, by Philip Gulley, "To be accurate, despite our indifference to idolatry, God still gets his dander up about it. God is funny that way. He wants to be first in our lives, not for the sake of his ego but for the sake of our joy. Thus he commands his followers to worship God and God alone. Because all other gods, these little g gods, ultimately disappoint. They are straw gods who whither when life heats up. So it is for our joy that God commands our devotion. God alone is the one who is forever faithful, who never disappoints, whose love knows no end."

From John 15:9-14 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command."

From an old hymn,

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace."

Here's what jumped out at me - it is for my joy that Jesus asks hard things of me. When He calls me to give up things of this world, it is for my joy. When He insists on being the One and Only God in my life - with nothing before Him - it is for my joy.

And, in regards to love and obedience, which has sometimes been quite convoluted in my mind, it is not "If you obey my commands I will love you." It is clearly, "If you obey my commands you will remain in my love." Jesus' love for me is not conditional to my obedience. He doesn't love me because He is pleased with me. He loves me. Period. AND, I receive His love when I remain in Him. Obedience isn't to earn God's love, it's to know and experience God's love. My obedience puts me in a place to receive what is already there. Disobedience removes me from the flow of God's love. Obedience causes me to remain in His love. It's not a matter of God removing love and then giving it again - based on my actions and choices. It's a matter of God's love being continually poured over me and me choosing whether or not I will remain in the stream.

When God calls me to turn my back on things I enjoy, like TV and movies and novels and internet surfing and unhealthy friendship, it's not because He's a big kill-joy. It's for my joy - because He KNOWS I will be more fulfilled, content and Joyful - that He guides and directs and teaches me.

Obedience can feel like such a heavy word to me sometimes, but I'm starting to glimpse the truth that obedience is my delight. And the promise is that the things of earth - the things I struggle to release to God - will grow strangely dim, the more I gaze upon His love and grace.

Good call

Pie baked. . . Check

Turkey Trot. . . Check

Salad chilling. . . Check

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I had a bit of time to check e-mail this morning, and I ran across a daily devotional that pretty much sums up, in two paragraphs, the spiritual journey I've been on for the last year or so. Just thought I would pass it along - have a great day!

http://www.ransomedheart.com/more_dailyreading.aspx?id=11/25/2010

Cards

I've always been a card player. I grew up going to my friends' houses and playing Nertz. A family staple was Bid Tricks, and I spent many a quiet afternoon playing Solitaire. One of my claims to fame among my nephews is that I'm a fast card dealer - and when 14 people are playing Scum, it pays to deal fast. One of my favorite card-playing memories of all times involved late night laughter, "cigars", my sister-in-law, Up and Down the River, and the biggest comeback of all time! (Ask Karen about it, she would love to tell you!!)

Jeff, on the other hand, is not a huge card player. He plays Gin Rummy or Cribbage just to make me happy, but I get the feeling his life would be fairly complete even if he never owned a deck of cards. Every now and then, when he recognizes that we need some down-time together, he'll suggest we play a game or two before bed. Last night was one of those nights, so after a few rounds of Mancala, we pulled out the deck for a quick hand of Gin Rummy. He beat me quickly and soundly the first hand, so we dealt another. I had an epiphany as we began the second round, and I tried a new strategy.

To tell you the strategy, I have to explain a bit about the game. We call it Gin Rummy, but I may actually have the wrong name. It's a simple game of trying to be the first person to lay down all 7 of your cards in sets or runs. Each time it's your turn you draw a card and discard another. If you can "lay down" a set or a run, you do it on your turn. When someone plays all their cards, the game is over and everyone counts up how many points they have from the cards they laid down. The thing that makes this game interesting is that the discard pile is laid out accordion style so you can see the whole thing. When it's your turn to draw, you can either draw one card from a face-down pile, or you can pick up a card from the top of the discard pile. OR, you can pick up all or part of the discard pile, as long as you can immediately lay down the lowest card you pick up. Sorry if that's not perfectly clear, but it's the best I can do without having you across the table from me and a deck of cards between us.

Picking up the discard pile is a huge advantage, because you have so many cards to work with, and you can get many more points laid down. It's also a risk, because if someone goes out when you have all those cards in your hand, you have to subtract those points from what you have laid down. Despite the risk, it's always my goal to find a way to get that discard pile at some point during the game. My usual way to do this is to hang onto cards in my hand that have the potential for a set or run, and hope that someone else discards something I can use. Last night my epiphany was that if I wanted a better chance of being able to pick up the discard pile, I needed to "seed" the pile. I discarded cards that went with something in my hand, waited for more cards to accumulate in the pile, and then picked up the pile with the card I had intentionally laid down a few turns before.

The beauty of this strategy is that there are plays waiting to happen. I sit with a delicious knowledge of the potential sitting right in front of me and just wait for the right moment to collect my treasure and score all my points. The other advantage is that I don't fret so much over needing to discard a card I might want later. I just put it out there and see what happens. There is, as in every great move, a risk involved. It's possible that I lay my treasure out there only for Jeff to realize that he can also use it, and have him scoop up the pile and I lose my "seed." But there is also the possibility that I will be able to score big.

This time it paid off and I won big - but that's not why I'm writing about it.

I'm writing about it because I think it has some application to life. Sometimes "safe" is not the best decision. Sometimes we need to take a risk in order to gain the prize we're after. In relationships we risk personal investment before we see return. Financially we take risks when we invest in stocks or buy homes or give money to God's Kingdom. In our careers we take risks when we give up what we don't love for the opportunity to try what we believe will fulfill us. As parents we take risks in giving our children more independence and opportunity to succeed, or fail, on their own. All around us, every day, are opportunities to "seed" our areas of influence - corporate, family, church, personal, relational, educational - to risk personal investment before we are guaranteed of the results.

I'm not espousing reckless risk - I do realize that life is quite different from cards - but I am encouraging freedom to try something in a new way. And enjoy the journey!

It's worth it

My friend e-mailed this week to see if I wanted to run at 7:00 on Saturday morning. That's 7am on a cold November Saturday. Think, "Kids are not going to school, I would not otherwise have to be out of bed by 7 in the morning." I had visions of cold ears, runny nose, and of getting out of my cozy warm bed much earlier than I preferred.

I e-mailed back and suggested coffee - it sounded so much better for an early Saturday morning outing.

She e-mailed again and said I shouldn't tempt her and that she would pick me up at 7:00.

Last night was a bear. We have rodents of unusual size (ROUS's - what movie is that from?!) in the small attic above our bedroom, and I think they were having a picnic on Jeff's mouse bait last night. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that there was some rodent band playing country music for all the square dancing rodents of the neighborhood. My only consolation is that they will eventually die and never come back if they continue to picnic on the bait in the attic above my bed.

Then at 4:20ish I was summoned by one of the boys who needed attention. This summons was actually a bigger deal than most middle of the night summons, and I wasn't back to bed for about 30 minutes. If you do the math, that puts me back to bed at 5:00ish, just one hour before I needed to wake up for the aforementioned early morning run. Thankfully, the rodent band had wrapped up and gone home for the night and the dancers were keeping it to a dull roar - so I was able to sleep for an hour.

The alarm at 6:00 has rarely been more uninviting than it was this morning. I was tempted to get out of bed only long enough to text my friend and say, "Rough night, see you next time." But the truth is I was awake and I knew it would be good for me. Good to connect with this friend and good to get exercise. So I only hit the snooze twice and then dragged myself out of bed and into my frigid bathroom to change into running gear. This was not my favorite part of the day.

When I was 12, I could go run a mile without any warm up or stretching. The coach made us stretch, but it never made much sense to me. Young muscles are so forgiving. 38 year old muscles, I'm learning, are not quite as forgiving. If I'm not going to be sore for the 24 hours following a run, I must stretch out first. This morning was no exception. I took my devotional book to my angled stretching board (for my calves) and read as I loosened up. By the time I was done with 15 minutes of reading and stretching, I actually was beginning to feel positive about this early morning outing.

My friend arrived just after 7 and we were off. We put on our gloves, started the mileage watch and took off. We avoided one flooded path, waded through another, and ran about 3 miles - all the while talking through one of life's mysteries. You'll be happy to know that we solved it. It was a good morning's work.

As I hopped out of her car and headed into the house to face whatever I might find there, I discovered I was glad I had gone. I felt great and had truly enjoyed all aspect of the adventure (though my shoes are still laying in front of the heater to dry out.) Though it had not seemed very inviting, it was worth it.

Wonder what else we avoid, procrastinate, or escape from that would truly be worth it if we just did it?