I'm Needy

I quake in my skin just typing the title. For years I have perfected the art of hiding my neediness. What will people think of me when they check my blog and see those dreadful words at the top of the page? I. am. needy. Ewww. I recoil at the thought.

Why? Because need, the state of not having it all together, implies weakness. It implies that I'm not enough, that I can't do what it takes to keep myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually sane.

Needy people are also a drain. A bottomless pit. We've all known "them." The people who are so needy that, though we try to love and help them, we can't possibly be enough for them. We can't pour enough into them. It's as if they are a sieve rather than a bucket, and no amount of drops of love, or help, or counsel, or encouragement from me is going to fill them up. I can pour myself out for them today, only to find them empty again tomorrow. I desperately don't want to be perceived as one of "them."

And as Christians we feel guilty even reading that last paragraph, let alone writing it. How dare I imply that a person in need is a drain to me? Did I just say that out loud? That a needy person sucks the life out of me and leaves me wasted and spent?

Yep, I said it, and I'd say it again if I thought you couldn't re-read the last paragraph if you wanted to.

And here's why.

There is this Catch 22 in life, an oxymoron if you will. We need each other - God made us to be in community - but we can't fill each other up. Only God can fill us. So we're born into relationships, and build new ones throughout life, only to find that we're not "enough" for the people we love. They need to be filled by God, and neither you, nor I, are God.

Unfortunately, coming to an accurate understanding of the need for God in every human soul sometimes takes years. In the meantime, we actually think it's our job to fill others, and that we're failing in our job. And when we feel like we're failing, we have to do something to right the ship, and we withdraw from the relationships that suck us dry. What this essentially does is leave the needy person feeling rejected and isolated.

It's a lose-lose cycle. I don't blame the needy person for being needy. Hear me on this, I'm not saying "them" in a judgmental tone, as if they are to blame and are bad. I'm saying "them" in the sense of knowing that there are people in our lives who have deep, persistent needs. I also don't blame the weary soul for withdrawing. Somehow I think the idea of "love" in the situation of unquenchable need is a mystery that escapes us.

So I would like to propose a new way of approaching the subject. Let me illustrate with a story from my life.

In recent months it has become apparent to me that I have been in hiding. Not all of me in hiding, just parts of me. And one part of me that has been the deepest in hiding is my neediness. Upon recollection, I remember hiding it in a secret room when I was about 13. I had enough experience of my neediness being ill-received to realize that if I wanted to have friends, and keep them, I ought to set my need on a shelf and be sure not to gush about it to anyone. I ought to be self-sufficient, confident, capable, and by all means, find something to be very good at.

I discovered I was quick on my feet, joined the track team, established some success, built the confidence to interact positively with my peers, and left my needy, adolescent, multi-rejected self in the secret room. And forgot all about her. Until a few months ago. When I realized that, although I have developed reasonable relational skills on a social level, even on a spiritual level, there was a place in my emotional make-up that had no friends. I had 100's of friends, (739 on facebook, to be exact) and several know me very well, but none knew the vulnerable truth of my neediness and my secret room - because I didn't even know it was there.

In the process of discovering my secret room, entrusting that needy, adolescent, multi-rejected girl to Jesus, and exposing her to a couple of safe and trusted friends, I have discovered why I hid her in the first place. I was afraid of becoming one of "them." You know, the needy people who suck you dry. The ones you cringe when they call, or cross your path, because you know it's the Christian thing to do to love them, but it leaves you wasted and weary. I wanted to be accepted and perceived as whole, so I hid my need.

Jesus invited me out of hiding, but I was so afraid that if I quit hiding my neediness my friends would discover just how uninviting I really am. It's been this process of standing at the door of my secret room, peeking in, realizing how dank and unhealthy it is in there, and choosing to let my need out into the light.

And here is my "a-ha" moment behind this whole, long, rambling post. Just yesterday, in talking with Jeff about a teaching opportunity we had, something began to come clear to me about need. I was like Tumnus the Faun in The Horse and His Boy when a plan begins to take shape in his mind: "The faun was holding both his horns with his hands as if he were trying to keep his head on by them and writhing to and fro as if he had a pain in his inside. 'Don't speak to me, don't speak to me,' said Tumnus. 'I'm thinking, I'm thinking so that I can hardly breathe. Wait, wait, do wait.'"

I sat there with my hands on my head and said to Jeff, "Wait, I'm on the verge of a breakthrough." He said a quick prayer for God to forward whatever idea was being birthed, and sat quietly while I rocked in my chair, trying to clarify in my brain the truth that was rocketing through my soul.

The thought, so simple, that rocked my world is that there is a third option. I had only seen two: either expose my need to others - expecting them to fill me up - and be disappointed and rejected, or hide my deepest needs from others so that I could feel accepted, competent, and worthy. The third option, so simple, that dawned on me: when we expose our deepest needs, entrusting them to God's care and concern, we are able to share them with others without being one of "them." Sharing our needs with others when we have entrusted our hearts to God leads to authenticity, humility, honesty and community rather than the disappointment and broken relationships of expecting others to fill us.

It's a truth I think I've been living for several months now, but it was in the stage of inexplicable mystery - as in, "I don't know why she still likes me after I have been real with her about so much of my neediness, but she does. It's a mystery of God." But now I see - the reason it is safe to share my neediness is because I'm not looking to any friend to "fill" me, but to walk with me.

Perhaps that's what love is - not a calling, requirement or even ability to "fill" another human soul - but rather a desire, persistence and grace to walk alongside while they learn how to entrust their human soul to God. While they find Him Enough to fill their every need. And when we're in relationship with someone who is not willing to work on their pain and subconsciously demands - through expectation, manipulation, hurt feelings, "poor me-isms," blame and ever-recurring crises - that we fill them, it's o.k., and even Christian, to entrust them to the care of God and extricate ourselves from their mess. As a wise teacher once said, "Get our sail out of their wind."

(I feel the need to clarify that by "extricate ourselves from their mess" I'm not talking of divorce. I realize the subject may be intensified in a marriage situation, but in that case we have made a life-long commitment to a person. While it is o.k. and good and right to get ourselves to a healthy place and set appropriate boundaries on manipulation and the like, the question of actually leaving the marriage is a weighty matter. I cannot speak to any specific situation, only say that I believe it is on God's heart for us to fight for our marriages and remain true to our vows, even when it's hard. In the case of spiritual, verbal or emotional abuse, seek the help of someone you trust or a professional counselor.)

So, just in case it's not as clear as I'd like it to be: I'm needy. And that's o.k. I'm learning that I don't have to hide my neediness. I'm also learning that if I share my neediness it doesn't automatically make me a drain on society. I'm learning that if I see my need, admit my need, and entrust my need to God, I can share that need with others and it will benefit us both. I can become the kind of person through whom God blesses others. Even in my place of need.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:8